Candidate #1

Pardon my French, but...that sh*t was crazy.

About a month ago an audition was posted for a symphony that I didn't know existed.  The Green Bay Symphony was holding auditions for Clarinet 2.  Which if you are not a midwesterner, is located in our cheesy, usually drunk neighbor-state to the east.

Ah, Wisconsin.  Home to gas stations that sell cheese curds and beer.  Home to That 70's Show.  Home to Bon Iver, every college kid's (former, current, and even future) pride.  Yes, it is a wonderful state.  It is very pretty with lots of (lots=99%) wilderness and countryside.  And, Ben loooooves him some Wisconsin.

Sorry, we have lots of nice pictures of Ben in Wisconsin.

Anyhoo, I've been feeling bold lately so I have been sending resumes to these auditions.  I've actually been REJECTED (um, excuse me?) from some auditions, so I redid my resume.

Just like that, two symphonies said, "yes, come audition."  Green Bay was the logical choice for me because it was drivable (5 hours) cheap, and the audition list was oh-so-simple:

Beethoven 6 (1st mov't solos)

Mendelssohn Scherzo (1st & 2nd parts)

Brahms 3 (1st mov't solos)

Rimsky Korsakov Capriccio Esp. (1st mov't solos)

Mozart Concerto

Finals: Beethoven 8, minuet solos, and Gershwin Rhapsody in Blue opening solo.

Unfortunately, I was already WELL underway with my Solo & Ensemble Festival planning at my school for Thursday the 12th.  The audition was 5 hours away on the 13th.  (Friday the 13th!!)  There was no way around it--the only way to make it work was to drive late at night to Green Bay.  **Enter wonderful husband.**  I got home about 8 pm and Ben & I piled into the car and drove until about 2 am!  My audition was at 1 the next day.

I started getting nervous about a week before, not because I wasn't prepared but just because I couldn't really visualize myself walking out onto a BIG empty stage and playing these excerpts.  I really was having trouble visualizing that!  Silly.

Due to the stress of the S & E Festival at school and the late night, I didn't have trouble sleeping.  I woke up pretty early on Friday, forced myself to eat a granola bar (no coffee!) and warmed up in the hotel.  Side note--I HATE eating when I'm nervous...but I sooooo have to...grrrrr.

Finally we checked out and headed about 5 miles away--right up to the bay.  The audition was being held at a beautiful facility on the UWGB campus.  They really have a great performing arts center.  I didn't really bring too much with me: glasses, headache medicine--just in case, hard candies, water, tons of reeds, a bazillion bobby pins, and a good pair of headphones.  I've never done a professional audition before, but I've heard the other musicians can be a pain in the ass in the warm up room.  Oh--and I brought Ben!  He had his flannel on, keeping it classy.  ;)

I arrived first (a little more than an hour prior to my start time) and do you know what that means?  It means I was #1 on the clarinet auditions that day.  FML.  It was actually sort of okay with me since I was so nervous.  But, I think generally it's better to go somewhere in the first half.  Not 1-3, though, if I could choose.

They moved us to a SMALL warm up room.  There were three other clarinetists there at that time.  At first nobody pulled out their instrument.  Then they did--practicing Capriccio and the Scherzo REALLY EFFING LOUDLY...and soooo fast...  UGH!  So, even though I was up first, I still had about 30 minutes until I would be moved to my own practice room.  And I had already warmed up a decent amount at the hotel.  So I put my headphones on and listened to the new Polica album.  Drowned the other people out.  Ben read articles about Nancy Grace being a fraud on his iPad.

But, then I had to test reeds and warm up my instrument and fingers.  The other people really bothered me.  Even though I knew that would happen.  Bothered me a lot.  Honestly, I might have been a LITTLE thrown.  Not freaking out, but...just irritated.  ?  Not sure...

Pretty soon a lady came in and showed Ben & I to my own room.  But, I could still hear the others loud and clear.  Ben was an excellent stage-mother.  "STOP listening to them."  ;)  I'm telling you guys though, those walls were THIN.  Ugh.  Soon the lady came back and said the oboes were in finals and were running behind.  20 minutes past my start time the lady came back--"Are you ready?"  Those 20 minutes were slow and painful.  I did some stretches and even got a shoulder rub from Ben.  (I hope he comes with me next time!!!)

I followed the lady onto the stage.  The part I couldn't visualize.  And to keep it extra dramatic, they kept the stage very dark and just put a lamp on the stand.  There was a HUGE screen spanning the stage coming down from the ceiling.  It was a long walk from the door to the chair.  ;)  She reminded me not to talk and that I could play a few notes to test acoustics.  I get nervous doing that--those are the first notes the committee really hears.  Gotta do it anyway though, and glad I did.

Weidner Center for the Performing Arts

 The acoustics were not what I expected.  I think due to the huge screen and big heavy curtains the sound resonated up but wasn't as glossy as I'd expected.  At that moment I wondered a little about projection in terms of dynamic contrast and also articulation.  I decided to keep articulations as short as possible and--at least to compensate for nerves--to try to control the tempos on the slower side of normal.

First up--Mozart exposition.  My teacher had said--if they let you play Mozart first that would be good.  They will pay attention to you if they hear your Mozart.  (Nice compliment!!  Merci, teacher!!)  You know friends, I and possibly you know my strengths and weaknesses as a player...I think I have a good technique, but I'm not a "technical player."  So, Scherzo & RK scare me a little.  I do much better with things more musical like Galanta or Rach or the lyrical Brahms & Beethoven solos.  And Mozart.  ;)  Anyway, I play the first two lines of Mozart.  And then I hear something.  Unmistakably yelling from the audience.  But I can't understand them!  So--I keep playing another bar or two, then I stop.  The proctor sitting behind me goes on stage.  They don't want Mozart from anybody.  Scratch it from the list--they're behind schedule.  My head: Is this good or bad?  Ahhh!  The proctor assures them it's her fault--they didn't know and candidate #1 didn't know!  She came to me and apologized and told me to continue with the RK.

Oh man.  Little thrown.  Took a moment, got the tune in my head.  Heard the snare beat.  Big breath.  Totally hammered that thing out!  Woo hoo!  First excerpt done and...good???

Now Scherzo.  Dear God.  They only want the 2nd part.  Oh man.  The first time I started practicing the 1st part was in high school.  The first time I started studying the 2nd part was three weeks ago.  One run I have a bad habit of playing D#.  So, I took a moment, heard the music in my head, heard the WW Section's tempo and character, gave myself a big warning to play D# and...that was good too!  Kept it quiet, short articulation, every note came out.  Thank you, thank you, up above!  2nd excerpt done!!!  I'm doing this!!!!

Now Beethoven...the excerpt highlighted when I arrived was not either of the standard solos in the first movement.  It was a secondary solo on the second page.  I knew it, had practiced it, just thought it was WEIRD they didn't want to hear...something that shows off more?  Well, played that one, too, just fine.

Last excerpt: Brahms 3, lyrical solo from mov't 1 on 2nd page.  It was okay...my finger slipped, or rather stuck to a key, didn't move up fast enough and so a bit of a flub on one note.  Not a major mistake.  Other than that, a solid audition, if I can say that.

As I walked out, the proctor paid me a lot of compliments, which was nice to hear, but at the same time, please, please don't give me false hope.  Then the stage manager asked if I got through all my excerpts.  I said, "Yes...why?"  She said, "They're stopping people after Mendelssohn if they don't like you."  So that was cool, but more false hope because...I did not advance.  I was a little disappointed, yes ...I was.

However.  I have never done this before and it has been a MAJOR goal of mine since...well, forever.  My goal was to not freak out in this audition--hold it together--and play these things WELL.  No stupid mistakes.  And that mission is accomplished.  

This has been motivating.  How can I advance next time?  From what I heard, the other clarinetists' RK sounded like they were getting electrocuted.  Very fast trills, very loud, and just...crazy.  I don't know.  I play it with a lot of energy, too, but perhaps I shall try to play á la electrocution next time.  Midsummer...hmmm...that one can always be softer and more staccato, right?  ??   ?????????  Not sure what to think.  I've requested comments, but not sure if those are typically available. 

It's so hard to tell yourself anything when you know you didn't make big mistakes.  It is similar to my experience with the competition in November.

I guess I'll just keep on trying until I figure it out.  I have also heard it takes many attempts at these auditions to get anywhere.  

Happy New Year!

I love goals.  But I am a very bad procrastinator.  Or, actually, a very good one.  So, I usually only make one resolution per year.  Last year's was to have more fun.  (I don't like fun.  Now I kinda do.)  

This year, I got inspired.  Very inspired!  Read on for TMI:

1.   Practice.  So much.

2.   Exercise 3 times/week

3. Continue Lessons
4. Put together a "press kit" and find out what I'm worth!  Haha!   $0!  Get some gigs.  You know, with community bands and stuff...

5. Go bowling--I love bowling!  

6. Take a vacation w/Ben.  We've been friends for 15 years.  Dated for 1ish.  Married for 1ish.  And we BOTH travel!  But never together.  It just hasn't worked out yet--how is that possible???  Kind of sad!  So it must happen this year!  

7. Learn to make sushi.  I went to a friend's sushi party a few years ago and it was so much fun and so yummy.  Must repeat in 2012!

8. Knit something??  Or similar??  Seems like a good idea…

 9. Design an improv unit for HS kids.  

10. Continue observing music teachers.

11. Plant, water, and grow a savings account:

12. Give gifts to loved ones throughout the year, not just at Christmas!

13.  Visit family way more often

14. Reevaluate relationship with the outdoors

15.  Take a couple months of voice lessons, even though I really, really, really don’t want to.

16. De-clutter all mah clutter!  Get rid of STUFF.

17. Take more (lots more!) pictures w/Benj

18. Cook low-fat meals.  There MUST be a good alternative to mozzarella, cream, and butter!  

19. Take at least ONE cooking class!  Preferably some type of Asian or Indian.  I love those cuisines the most, but I feel that they also have the most variation--hard to find good recipes when all the good dishes seem to be "to taste" or from people's memories!  

20. Plan a kid-clarinet-(master)class and invite myself to schools!  (and then steal their students and build my own studio...that's fine, right?? Don't worry, I'll ask first!)

21. Spend some time learning Garage Band (or other programs) and working out some music!

22. Learn to ski and enjoy it, dammit.

23.  Try cross-country skiing.

24. READ ACTUAL BOOKS

25. Keep up w/the blog.

26. Update orchestra sub-lists, (i.e., "remember me??  i'm still here!  i need gigs!"

27. Clarinetfest or similar.  For the free stuff.  ;)  

28. Yoga, ballet, or thing Kaita does that makes one look hot

29. Call in to the "Piano Puzzler" on Performance Today.  I get so mad at those fools!  I could TOTALLY win this!  (wait, I don't think there's any prize.)  "Lizst Hungarian Rhapsodie + Flintstones Theme, BAM!!!!"

30. Track impulse purchases—could make for a funny list.  

Happy New Year!

?!

Auditions—the ultimate frenemy!  If you don’t know what a frenemy is, you need to ask yourself—are you a stranger to this blogger-person?  If you know me, you also know your Sex & The City episodes.  And the one about the frenemies is the best one.  It’s when a  Friend + Enemy=The Same Person.  

We all have at least one.  In Minnesota, usually Frenemies make up around 80% of the people we call friends.  Its just in our outstanding passive-aggressive nature. 

An audition is so like that.  You hate it.  But you pretend you love it.  

There. 

Is. 

Nothing. 

Worse.  

For example, this particular audition, as you know, has been in preparation-mode for almost a damn year.  


But...that’s because I wasn’t in shape. 

Usually it isn’t a whole year of preparation.  Anyway, when it comes down to it, I only had 9 minutes to demonstrate my skillz.  Yes, with a Z. 

The few days leading up to the audition were okay.  Waves of nervousness happened, like usual, trips to the bathroom happened, as usual, and bouts of “no talking” definitely happened.  For some reason, I shut down the communication panels prior to scary things.

Shh!

I practiced like normal, did all my usual routines, etc.  Kept it under control.  Didn’t get sick.  BUT, I did start to feel some annoying tendonitis-type feeling in my arms the day before.  Wait, two days before.  I think it was psychological.  Sometimes I get that from time to time, but never so severe that a couple days off doesn’t cure it. 

The last terrifying thing that started happening the few days before my audition was my reed (singular, since I suck at preparing reeds…I only ever have one good reed at a time, I know, I know…)  totally started to thin and it kind of freaked me out.  It hung in there, though. 

The Tuesday before the audition, my teacher/coach came to my rehearsal w/the pianist.  Now, the pianist is somewhat famous in these parts, I guess you could say, and also a huge hippie.  He also lives very close to my favorite place ever, Café Latte, in St. Paul.  Very convenient for after-rehearsals.  


Anyhoo, it was amazing having a real coaching again.  It’s been so long!  The rehearsal went well, and Teacher did have a few things to tweak—such as being mindful of a couple phrases in the higher registers (which was good b/c I was uncomfortable with the choppiness of a couple bars, but unsure how to fix it…aim for one note!) also suggested a couple balance solutions, and last minute “your G’s are flat,” of which I had several.  Afterwards, (the hour FLEW by, more than ever!) she refused payment (!!!!!) which is just amazing.  I mean, she did make a special trip to St Paul!  So sweet. 

Friday I had a last rehearsal with Pianist/The Hippie.  He asked me at the end, “so like, if you get adrenalineified, which part do you think you’d probably screw up?”  OMG.  What.  Hahah!  Ah, subtlety.  I told him, “look, I’m not gonna screw up, probably, but if anything I’ll just run out of breath somewhere and possibly faint.  In which case, please slow down the accompaniment.”  (This is Weber Concerto 2, First Mov’t.)  He laughed, we played some spots, and I went home. 

Two hours later, Susan & Alicia came by my place and I ran it through for them.  (Playing for others is THE BEST thing for nerves!) It went well, and then I collapsed on the couch w/them and we watched Beyonce videos.  What?  

That night I picked up Ben from the airport (he’d been gone forever!) and despite the little voice in my head telling me to head to bed at 8 pm, we went out for a bite and a glass of wine.  Which is exactly what I needed for my nerves, that were starting to come in calculated waves much like contractions, I would have to believe!  Seriously!  Ben & I had BLT’s & drinks at The Low Brow Bar, caught up with each other, laughed a whole bunch, and after that, I really did sleep soundly!  To my surprise! 

I woke up very, very early—was wide awake—and really freaked out!—but I did everything according to plan.  Warmed up, spot checked, force-fed myself banana bread, two sips of coffee ONLY, then we were out the door.  (omgomgomgomgomg!)  

I wanted to get there around an hour early to be sure I could get a practice room and just in case my hands got really cold, they’d have enough time to get blood circulating in them again.  BUT—we hit major traffic—a really bad accident getting onto 94/35 split.  We were nearly stopped for like 15ish minutes.  So we arrived later then I would’ve liked, but I still had almost 30 minutes, plus I had already warmed up at home. 

Once we arrived, Ben met The Hippie.  The Hippie of course loved Ben and complimented his shoes.  (?)  Okay—hold the phone for a sec—I was 3^rd out of about 42 auditions that day.  At first I wasn’t too happy about this, but then I thought, hell, it’ll be over sooner AND, not being a morning person, I probably won’t get as nervous.  Though I was pretty nervous, I wasn’t unusually nervous.  Before I went there were two violinists.  One of them gave up her room to me so we could use the piano.  That’s how it is in Minnesota—NICE!  ;)

The practice room we warmed up in was tiny, tiny, tiny.  But, picture this: we fit in The Hippie, with leather jacket, Ben, sitting in a chair pressed up against the door, and I stood, back practically against the other wall, plus a stand in the middle.  Elbow almost on The Hippie’s shoulder.  But, I wanted Ben in the room because I was noticing he was affecting my blood pressure—in a good way.  Maybe it was his flannel shirt. 

Then it was time to rock & roll.  (Yes, it was kind of a big moment…the whole year I had this goal, after all, right??  All back in shape for this competition.  And now down to the last 9 minutes…oh man, that’s some pressure.)  Inside the room were (only) two judges.  An MPR host guy, who is also a violist, and a voice professor from the U of M.  (Uh…how about a wind player?  No???  Okay, then…!  Grrrr…)  The time-keeper in the room was a musician who I know from playing in a different orchestra.  So it was super good to have one more friendly face in the room.  She took my extra score and she told me, “When you go in, tell them you are #3.”  I thought that was kind of funny.  Like, hey guys, in case you already lost track if the many, many auditions you’ve heard so far, I’m….#3. 

So we (I) take a deep breath and open the door and march in.  But, they aren’t looking at me.  They are looking at The Hippie.  (Oh, I should say, he isn’t dressed like a hippie or anything…he just…is one…) the whole room seemed to know him, and he did NOT seem to remember anyone of them.  


Anyway…I slowly/softly tuned, nervously set my stand just right, and then said, “ummmmmmmmm…so...I’m...Number….Three.”  And then I thought it was kind of funny, so I laughed a little bit.  Oh!  Also!  Ben totally sat in on my audition!  He sat next to my time-keeper friend!  That was putting me at ease x2.  So after I announced my number, I looked at my friend and maybe sort of said, “hey, at least I got that part right!  Right?  Haha…?”  Ladies & Gentlemen, do not try to amuse the judges.  

It never works.  But, it does work with your friends.  Anyway. 

What can I say, the piece totally went well!  I was sooooooo happy!  I screwed up two places.  But the first was pretty inaudible—maybe only I heard it.  The second place was at the end of the concerto.  In the middle of a run, one of my fingers didn’t want to lift up and made one sixteenth note a little longer.  But—OMG—that was really it!  Everything else went great!  Unless, I’m imagining things!  The only other thing was this weird/out-of-body experience where I started thinking—as I was playing—“hmmm….the acoustics in this room are kind of weird…hmmmm….what do I need to do….hmmm…how come I can’t play very forte??  Is my piano reaching the back of the room?  Hmmm…. Hmmm…hmmm…???”  But, then I just saw the flannel shirt in my periphery, sitting next to my time-keeper friend, and I just tried to…have fun!!!!  


The piece is very much in the style of Till Eulenspiegel in some momements, with other moments being classic Weber/operatic/cute themes, etc.  So, I just try to keep in character.  Well, there are a few contrasting characters, which is the trick of the piece, I guess. 

At the end, there are some crazy runs that end on a super high note, then a note higher, and the last even higher than that.  The first one….came out!  The second one…no problem!  The last one—I did it!!!  Wahoooooo!!!!!!  The last note sailed out and The Hippie pounded out a few last chords and I turned to him and TOTALLY—100%—started clapping for myself/us!  


There was no other clapping happening in the room.  


**cricket**cricket**tumbleweed across the stage**sound of the wind**ooooweeooooweeoooooou!**


This is the thing about classical music that I don’t get—like, come ON, after that crazy firecworks pieces, we are supposed to pretend like we didn’t just completely play the crap out of it???   Hell no!  Even The Hippie was amused!  He was like, “YEAHHHHH!  ALRIGHT!”  


The judges flatly said, “thank you.” 

It was just a really satisfying performance.  I didn’t screw anything up.  Plus, it was awesome.  And so much fun.  Although it was very scary, too.  That’s what I was saying before--scary & fun.  Love it & hate it.  Auditions=frenemies. 

After that, I ran, ahem, sashayed, right out of that room, 

hugged The Hippie, and then Ben took me to the nearest Mimosa-station.  I mean, it was only 10:30 am.  (!!!!!)

We went to Blackbird Café for brunch/decompressing.  My mood was like Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!  Then craaaaaaaaaaaash!!!  The rest of the day I was so happy and exhausted.  After drinking mimosas, I did fall asleep.  After that I was dragged out to Café Latte.  I know, rough life, huh?  We met some lovely friends there and had scrumptious pizzas and wine and CHOCOLATE.  And I was just so so soooooo relieved.

The next day I did not practice the concerto.  I did not practice.  I was just happy & content. 

But you know, they did not call me.  But, I swear to you, I didn’t screw it up.  Se la vie. 

Hey!  Thanks for reading my blog!  This chapter is over—and it was a long one—and I’m not sure what the next chapter is, but I’m not ending this blog, I don’t think.  


So many more frenemies to write about. 

 xo

ps: if you want, you can still cross your fingers for me.  i haven't heard the official word--they said they'd tell us within a week (I know, right?  Grrr...) but, yeah....  :-/

ummmm....

Yeah, I'm nervous.  

And last week I was so stressed w/my kiddie concert at school.  It turned out great, and even though I was so beyond tired the night before the concert (after a 2.5 hour rehearsal!) I felt the need, at 10 pm, for some grub...and so I grabbed Ben & my super bad mood and went out for delicious pizza

& wine

even though i should've been in bed, preparing for the concert, getting rest, 
etc., etc., etc...

Sometimes it's best to stay up late chatting, eating
& drinking

lots

of

wine.








Right?

that moment that blindsides you

knocks you to the ground

changes the scenery

that moment that sends a shock through you

 overwhelming sympathy & sadness

automatic tears

that moment that doesn't remind you

but proves to you that you don't have any real problems!

so many gifts, experiences, and memories

that moment that inspires you:

live better, love more

don't be afraid

seize each precious day

there should be a word

for that moment.

almost there

With the competition a week and a half away, I am now just trying to keep my head above water!

 I'm as ready as I'll ever be.  Right now I'm focusing on, well, staying focused!  Everybody has a different set of nerves, but I think I have about 10 sets of nerves.  I definitely freak out.  But, I've learned that if I concentrate on staying calm--everyday--(yes, I start to get nervous 2-3 weeks before...) I can manage nerves more effectively.  

Good thing I have such marvelous scenery and weather to distract myself with!

The "final push" has been practicing every single day no matter what.  I'm like a practice machine!  Getting some motivation sets off self-discipline.  So I practice the tricky spots in my piece over and over. Slowly, medium tempo, and actual tempo.  Then eventually I "run it" playing the movement straight through.  I do get kind of winded playing this piece--it has some big chunks of notes with no pauses for rests, so breathing has to be planned out, and even back up breathing plans--like where to put "emergency breaths" so you're sure not to disrupt phrases or anything, but you still will prevent yourself from passing out.  I know, fun.  
Nothing calms nerves on the big day like knowing I've played a section (or the whole thing) a bazillion times without any major mishaps.  That's the kind of thing that calms one down.  
I also play standing everyday.  (It's MUCH different to stand and it definitely needs to be practiced!)  My instruments were looked over by my wonderful repair guy a few weeks ago and are playing like new!  Practicing has been going well, but it can still be a pain to sit down and actually do it.  No matter what task is in front of you!  But after playing, it feels amazing.  It's just so good to be back at it.

One of my primary worries right now is just staying healthy.  Which is a HUGE challenge due to time of year, (the weather has totally changed over the past two weeks,) plus of course, all the kids I work with, and some major added stress--my first concert at my new school is this Thursday.  As in, two days away.   Two bands and a choir.  They are all prepared & will be fine, (great, I hope!) but still--stressful!  I can kind of feel something my body is fighting, but I'm hoping I'm just worrying too much.  Sometimes you can psych yourself out with these things.  In any case, I am really trying to take care of myself--hot drinks, sleep, etc.

Rehearsals with the pianist started this past Friday.  I hate playing with pianists I don't know, but this one came highly recommended and totally lived up to all the reviews!  We really mesh well and he is a really strong and dramatic player.  
So--this should be fun!  

Eeeeeeeeeeee!  

Lesson Routines

About two weeks ago I was really in a groove with my practice routines.  I mean, REALLY back in a groove.  It was going well everyday.  Even after a full day of teaching—which is SO exhausting!—I would come home, quick make a cup of coffee, enjoy coffee for about 15 minutes, then into the practice room until Ben got home at 6:30.  So that allowed about an hour and a half session. 

Aside from that routine, I started to get this old NASTY routine back, out of the blue: the lesson count-down routine.  That is to say, when life starts to revolve around how many days you have until your next lesson. 

I had forgotten about this.  Back in the day, it seemed uncontrollable.  Here’s what I experienced:

(Monday) After lesson/day of lesson—I would hope so much to get myself back IN the practice room after a lesson on the same day to reinforce whatever happened in the lesson.  I NEVER actually did this, but would beat myself up every time.  But, I was always TOO tired.  Not because I’m a night owl—but because lessons were/(are again!) exhausting!  It’s physical and emotional fatigue.  Not to be weird about it, but, really think about it—you only have ONE week (well, now I do lessons every two weeks…) to show your work.  And in college, it’s not about showing improvement.  It’s about bringing something back finished.  That’s how I felt, at least.  It was kind of like starting and finishing a huge research paper in only one week.  Well, maybe that's a bad comparison.  Don't most college kids start and finish huge research papers in the same night?  Well, you get the idea.  

Tuesday: Work through new notes, some drilling of technical passages.  Have fun later in the day.

Wednesday: Not in a panic yet.  Major drilling of technical passages.  Maybe start metronome.  Still not worried.

Thursday: Heavy metronome/drilling of technical passages, work out breathing and hash out phrases/dynamics.  Starting to worry.

Friday: Start to really freak out, three days left to perfect assigned pieces.  Start to run through larger sections, begin polishing.

Saturday: Last minute problem/solving—drilling and work on connecting larger sections so it doesn’t sound choppy/like shit.  

Sunday: Polish, polish, polish, run, run, run…some psychological stuff—which need practice, too!  (you gotta convince yourself you can do it to actually pull it off!)  Then usually get nervous, try to get sleep.

Monday/Lesson Day.  Warm up in the morning, spot check everything, rest, rest, rest, freak out, then go for it.  I also find that I need to EAT before lessons/rehearsals—I am the type to get a bit faint from low-blood sugar, and I always feel like playing is a physical thing, and I need some energy to get through it!  That must be why I am so tired after its over!  In fact, I would usually try to keep my evening open after rehearsals/lessons because I KNEW I’d be pretty zonked.  Zonked=tired. 

Okay, in retrospect, that routine was not healthy.  It was obsessive.  And while it was a good recipe to learn things fast, it made my whole life revolve around the lesson.  


Unfortunately, I can’t think of how else to handle this situation.  But when I noticed that “revolving around the lesson” routine returning (I had truly forgotten about it!  How weird—that was really how my life was before!) it was a welcome feeling.  I think the difference is, I am now much more in control of my life and playing.  


I am happy to get work done on clarinet (practicing) and lessons now are much more collaborative.  (I'm stepping up more!) There is just an honesty about it now that is refreshing and…kind of liberating.  I can walk in and say, “I think I’ve regressed.”  And teacher says, “Okay, let’s see what’s going on.”  I never would have admitted that feeling in the past.  It’s good to face it now and get feedback and grow and learn from it.  (ALL of my other teachers would have been open to this, too, but as a young student I was too afraid to “fail,” or admit things weren’t going splendidly for any reason...)

I’ll end with a great quote from the book Zen Guitar by Philip Toshio Sudo:

“To move down the path of Zen Guitar, you must commit your heart to training.  The only way to do this is to love it.  If guitar playing isn’t fun for you, then something is seriously wrong.  All the effort you put in should only increase your joy.”