About two weeks ago I was really in a groove with my practice routines. I mean, REALLY back in a groove. It was going well everyday. Even after a full day of teaching—which is SO exhausting!—I would come home, quick make a cup of coffee, enjoy coffee for about 15 minutes, then into the practice room until Ben got home at 6:30. So that allowed about an hour and a half session.
Aside from that routine, I started to get this old NASTY routine back, out of the blue: the lesson count-down routine. That is to say, when life starts to revolve around how many days you have until your next lesson.
I had forgotten about this. Back in the day, it seemed uncontrollable. Here’s what I experienced:
(Monday) After lesson/day of lesson—I would hope so much to get myself back IN the practice room after a lesson on the same day to reinforce whatever happened in the lesson. I NEVER actually did this, but would beat myself up every time. But, I was always TOO tired. Not because I’m a night owl—but because lessons were/(are again!) exhausting! It’s physical and emotional fatigue. Not to be weird about it, but, really think about it—you only have ONE week (well, now I do lessons every two weeks…) to show your work. And in college, it’s not about showing improvement. It’s about bringing something back finished. That’s how I felt, at least. It was kind of like starting and finishing a huge research paper in only one week. Well, maybe that's a bad comparison. Don't most college kids start and finish huge research papers in the same night? Well, you get the idea.
Tuesday: Work through new notes, some drilling of technical passages. Have fun later in the day.
Wednesday: Not in a panic yet. Major drilling of technical passages. Maybe start metronome. Still not worried.
Thursday: Heavy metronome/drilling of technical passages, work out breathing and hash out phrases/dynamics. Starting to worry.
Friday: Start to really freak out, three days left to perfect assigned pieces. Start to run through larger sections, begin polishing.
Saturday: Last minute problem/solving—drilling and work on connecting larger sections so it doesn’t sound choppy/like shit.
Sunday: Polish, polish, polish, run, run, run…some psychological stuff—which need practice, too! (you gotta convince yourself you can do it to actually pull it off!) Then usually get nervous, try to get sleep.
Monday/Lesson Day. Warm up in the morning, spot check everything, rest, rest, rest, freak out, then go for it. I also find that I need to EAT before lessons/rehearsals—I am the type to get a bit faint from low-blood sugar, and I always feel like playing is a physical thing, and I need some energy to get through it! That must be why I am so tired after its over! In fact, I would usually try to keep my evening open after rehearsals/lessons because I KNEW I’d be pretty zonked. Zonked=tired.
Okay, in retrospect, that routine was not healthy. It was obsessive. And while it was a good recipe to learn things fast, it made my whole life revolve around the lesson.
Unfortunately, I can’t think of how else to handle this situation. But when I noticed that “revolving around the lesson” routine returning (I had truly forgotten about it! How weird—that was really how my life was before!) it was a welcome feeling. I think the difference is, I am now much more in control of my life and playing.
I am happy to get work done on clarinet (practicing) and lessons now are much more collaborative. (I'm stepping up more!) There is just an honesty about it now that is refreshing and…kind of liberating. I can walk in and say, “I think I’ve regressed.” And teacher says, “Okay, let’s see what’s going on.” I never would have admitted that feeling in the past. It’s good to face it now and get feedback and grow and learn from it. (ALL of my other teachers would have been open to this, too, but as a young student I was too afraid to “fail,” or admit things weren’t going splendidly for any reason...)
I’ll end with a great quote from the book Zen Guitar by Philip Toshio Sudo:
“To move down the path of Zen Guitar, you must commit your heart to training. The only way to do this is to love it. If guitar playing isn’t fun for you, then something is seriously wrong. All the effort you put in should only increase your joy.”
