?!

Auditions—the ultimate frenemy!  If you don’t know what a frenemy is, you need to ask yourself—are you a stranger to this blogger-person?  If you know me, you also know your Sex & The City episodes.  And the one about the frenemies is the best one.  It’s when a  Friend + Enemy=The Same Person.  

We all have at least one.  In Minnesota, usually Frenemies make up around 80% of the people we call friends.  Its just in our outstanding passive-aggressive nature. 

An audition is so like that.  You hate it.  But you pretend you love it.  

There. 

Is. 

Nothing. 

Worse.  

For example, this particular audition, as you know, has been in preparation-mode for almost a damn year.  


But...that’s because I wasn’t in shape. 

Usually it isn’t a whole year of preparation.  Anyway, when it comes down to it, I only had 9 minutes to demonstrate my skillz.  Yes, with a Z. 

The few days leading up to the audition were okay.  Waves of nervousness happened, like usual, trips to the bathroom happened, as usual, and bouts of “no talking” definitely happened.  For some reason, I shut down the communication panels prior to scary things.

Shh!

I practiced like normal, did all my usual routines, etc.  Kept it under control.  Didn’t get sick.  BUT, I did start to feel some annoying tendonitis-type feeling in my arms the day before.  Wait, two days before.  I think it was psychological.  Sometimes I get that from time to time, but never so severe that a couple days off doesn’t cure it. 

The last terrifying thing that started happening the few days before my audition was my reed (singular, since I suck at preparing reeds…I only ever have one good reed at a time, I know, I know…)  totally started to thin and it kind of freaked me out.  It hung in there, though. 

The Tuesday before the audition, my teacher/coach came to my rehearsal w/the pianist.  Now, the pianist is somewhat famous in these parts, I guess you could say, and also a huge hippie.  He also lives very close to my favorite place ever, Café Latte, in St. Paul.  Very convenient for after-rehearsals.  


Anyhoo, it was amazing having a real coaching again.  It’s been so long!  The rehearsal went well, and Teacher did have a few things to tweak—such as being mindful of a couple phrases in the higher registers (which was good b/c I was uncomfortable with the choppiness of a couple bars, but unsure how to fix it…aim for one note!) also suggested a couple balance solutions, and last minute “your G’s are flat,” of which I had several.  Afterwards, (the hour FLEW by, more than ever!) she refused payment (!!!!!) which is just amazing.  I mean, she did make a special trip to St Paul!  So sweet. 

Friday I had a last rehearsal with Pianist/The Hippie.  He asked me at the end, “so like, if you get adrenalineified, which part do you think you’d probably screw up?”  OMG.  What.  Hahah!  Ah, subtlety.  I told him, “look, I’m not gonna screw up, probably, but if anything I’ll just run out of breath somewhere and possibly faint.  In which case, please slow down the accompaniment.”  (This is Weber Concerto 2, First Mov’t.)  He laughed, we played some spots, and I went home. 

Two hours later, Susan & Alicia came by my place and I ran it through for them.  (Playing for others is THE BEST thing for nerves!) It went well, and then I collapsed on the couch w/them and we watched Beyonce videos.  What?  

That night I picked up Ben from the airport (he’d been gone forever!) and despite the little voice in my head telling me to head to bed at 8 pm, we went out for a bite and a glass of wine.  Which is exactly what I needed for my nerves, that were starting to come in calculated waves much like contractions, I would have to believe!  Seriously!  Ben & I had BLT’s & drinks at The Low Brow Bar, caught up with each other, laughed a whole bunch, and after that, I really did sleep soundly!  To my surprise! 

I woke up very, very early—was wide awake—and really freaked out!—but I did everything according to plan.  Warmed up, spot checked, force-fed myself banana bread, two sips of coffee ONLY, then we were out the door.  (omgomgomgomgomg!)  

I wanted to get there around an hour early to be sure I could get a practice room and just in case my hands got really cold, they’d have enough time to get blood circulating in them again.  BUT—we hit major traffic—a really bad accident getting onto 94/35 split.  We were nearly stopped for like 15ish minutes.  So we arrived later then I would’ve liked, but I still had almost 30 minutes, plus I had already warmed up at home. 

Once we arrived, Ben met The Hippie.  The Hippie of course loved Ben and complimented his shoes.  (?)  Okay—hold the phone for a sec—I was 3^rd out of about 42 auditions that day.  At first I wasn’t too happy about this, but then I thought, hell, it’ll be over sooner AND, not being a morning person, I probably won’t get as nervous.  Though I was pretty nervous, I wasn’t unusually nervous.  Before I went there were two violinists.  One of them gave up her room to me so we could use the piano.  That’s how it is in Minnesota—NICE!  ;)

The practice room we warmed up in was tiny, tiny, tiny.  But, picture this: we fit in The Hippie, with leather jacket, Ben, sitting in a chair pressed up against the door, and I stood, back practically against the other wall, plus a stand in the middle.  Elbow almost on The Hippie’s shoulder.  But, I wanted Ben in the room because I was noticing he was affecting my blood pressure—in a good way.  Maybe it was his flannel shirt. 

Then it was time to rock & roll.  (Yes, it was kind of a big moment…the whole year I had this goal, after all, right??  All back in shape for this competition.  And now down to the last 9 minutes…oh man, that’s some pressure.)  Inside the room were (only) two judges.  An MPR host guy, who is also a violist, and a voice professor from the U of M.  (Uh…how about a wind player?  No???  Okay, then…!  Grrrr…)  The time-keeper in the room was a musician who I know from playing in a different orchestra.  So it was super good to have one more friendly face in the room.  She took my extra score and she told me, “When you go in, tell them you are #3.”  I thought that was kind of funny.  Like, hey guys, in case you already lost track if the many, many auditions you’ve heard so far, I’m….#3. 

So we (I) take a deep breath and open the door and march in.  But, they aren’t looking at me.  They are looking at The Hippie.  (Oh, I should say, he isn’t dressed like a hippie or anything…he just…is one…) the whole room seemed to know him, and he did NOT seem to remember anyone of them.  


Anyway…I slowly/softly tuned, nervously set my stand just right, and then said, “ummmmmmmmm…so...I’m...Number….Three.”  And then I thought it was kind of funny, so I laughed a little bit.  Oh!  Also!  Ben totally sat in on my audition!  He sat next to my time-keeper friend!  That was putting me at ease x2.  So after I announced my number, I looked at my friend and maybe sort of said, “hey, at least I got that part right!  Right?  Haha…?”  Ladies & Gentlemen, do not try to amuse the judges.  

It never works.  But, it does work with your friends.  Anyway. 

What can I say, the piece totally went well!  I was sooooooo happy!  I screwed up two places.  But the first was pretty inaudible—maybe only I heard it.  The second place was at the end of the concerto.  In the middle of a run, one of my fingers didn’t want to lift up and made one sixteenth note a little longer.  But—OMG—that was really it!  Everything else went great!  Unless, I’m imagining things!  The only other thing was this weird/out-of-body experience where I started thinking—as I was playing—“hmmm….the acoustics in this room are kind of weird…hmmmm….what do I need to do….hmmm…how come I can’t play very forte??  Is my piano reaching the back of the room?  Hmmm…. Hmmm…hmmm…???”  But, then I just saw the flannel shirt in my periphery, sitting next to my time-keeper friend, and I just tried to…have fun!!!!  


The piece is very much in the style of Till Eulenspiegel in some momements, with other moments being classic Weber/operatic/cute themes, etc.  So, I just try to keep in character.  Well, there are a few contrasting characters, which is the trick of the piece, I guess. 

At the end, there are some crazy runs that end on a super high note, then a note higher, and the last even higher than that.  The first one….came out!  The second one…no problem!  The last one—I did it!!!  Wahoooooo!!!!!!  The last note sailed out and The Hippie pounded out a few last chords and I turned to him and TOTALLY—100%—started clapping for myself/us!  


There was no other clapping happening in the room.  


**cricket**cricket**tumbleweed across the stage**sound of the wind**ooooweeooooweeoooooou!**


This is the thing about classical music that I don’t get—like, come ON, after that crazy firecworks pieces, we are supposed to pretend like we didn’t just completely play the crap out of it???   Hell no!  Even The Hippie was amused!  He was like, “YEAHHHHH!  ALRIGHT!”  


The judges flatly said, “thank you.” 

It was just a really satisfying performance.  I didn’t screw anything up.  Plus, it was awesome.  And so much fun.  Although it was very scary, too.  That’s what I was saying before--scary & fun.  Love it & hate it.  Auditions=frenemies. 

After that, I ran, ahem, sashayed, right out of that room, 

hugged The Hippie, and then Ben took me to the nearest Mimosa-station.  I mean, it was only 10:30 am.  (!!!!!)

We went to Blackbird Café for brunch/decompressing.  My mood was like Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!  Then craaaaaaaaaaaash!!!  The rest of the day I was so happy and exhausted.  After drinking mimosas, I did fall asleep.  After that I was dragged out to Café Latte.  I know, rough life, huh?  We met some lovely friends there and had scrumptious pizzas and wine and CHOCOLATE.  And I was just so so soooooo relieved.

The next day I did not practice the concerto.  I did not practice.  I was just happy & content. 

But you know, they did not call me.  But, I swear to you, I didn’t screw it up.  Se la vie. 

Hey!  Thanks for reading my blog!  This chapter is over—and it was a long one—and I’m not sure what the next chapter is, but I’m not ending this blog, I don’t think.  


So many more frenemies to write about. 

 xo

ps: if you want, you can still cross your fingers for me.  i haven't heard the official word--they said they'd tell us within a week (I know, right?  Grrr...) but, yeah....  :-/

ummmm....

Yeah, I'm nervous.  

And last week I was so stressed w/my kiddie concert at school.  It turned out great, and even though I was so beyond tired the night before the concert (after a 2.5 hour rehearsal!) I felt the need, at 10 pm, for some grub...and so I grabbed Ben & my super bad mood and went out for delicious pizza

& wine

even though i should've been in bed, preparing for the concert, getting rest, 
etc., etc., etc...

Sometimes it's best to stay up late chatting, eating
& drinking

lots

of

wine.








Right?

that moment that blindsides you

knocks you to the ground

changes the scenery

that moment that sends a shock through you

 overwhelming sympathy & sadness

automatic tears

that moment that doesn't remind you

but proves to you that you don't have any real problems!

so many gifts, experiences, and memories

that moment that inspires you:

live better, love more

don't be afraid

seize each precious day

there should be a word

for that moment.

almost there

With the competition a week and a half away, I am now just trying to keep my head above water!

 I'm as ready as I'll ever be.  Right now I'm focusing on, well, staying focused!  Everybody has a different set of nerves, but I think I have about 10 sets of nerves.  I definitely freak out.  But, I've learned that if I concentrate on staying calm--everyday--(yes, I start to get nervous 2-3 weeks before...) I can manage nerves more effectively.  

Good thing I have such marvelous scenery and weather to distract myself with!

The "final push" has been practicing every single day no matter what.  I'm like a practice machine!  Getting some motivation sets off self-discipline.  So I practice the tricky spots in my piece over and over. Slowly, medium tempo, and actual tempo.  Then eventually I "run it" playing the movement straight through.  I do get kind of winded playing this piece--it has some big chunks of notes with no pauses for rests, so breathing has to be planned out, and even back up breathing plans--like where to put "emergency breaths" so you're sure not to disrupt phrases or anything, but you still will prevent yourself from passing out.  I know, fun.  
Nothing calms nerves on the big day like knowing I've played a section (or the whole thing) a bazillion times without any major mishaps.  That's the kind of thing that calms one down.  
I also play standing everyday.  (It's MUCH different to stand and it definitely needs to be practiced!)  My instruments were looked over by my wonderful repair guy a few weeks ago and are playing like new!  Practicing has been going well, but it can still be a pain to sit down and actually do it.  No matter what task is in front of you!  But after playing, it feels amazing.  It's just so good to be back at it.

One of my primary worries right now is just staying healthy.  Which is a HUGE challenge due to time of year, (the weather has totally changed over the past two weeks,) plus of course, all the kids I work with, and some major added stress--my first concert at my new school is this Thursday.  As in, two days away.   Two bands and a choir.  They are all prepared & will be fine, (great, I hope!) but still--stressful!  I can kind of feel something my body is fighting, but I'm hoping I'm just worrying too much.  Sometimes you can psych yourself out with these things.  In any case, I am really trying to take care of myself--hot drinks, sleep, etc.

Rehearsals with the pianist started this past Friday.  I hate playing with pianists I don't know, but this one came highly recommended and totally lived up to all the reviews!  We really mesh well and he is a really strong and dramatic player.  
So--this should be fun!  

Eeeeeeeeeeee!  

Lesson Routines

About two weeks ago I was really in a groove with my practice routines.  I mean, REALLY back in a groove.  It was going well everyday.  Even after a full day of teaching—which is SO exhausting!—I would come home, quick make a cup of coffee, enjoy coffee for about 15 minutes, then into the practice room until Ben got home at 6:30.  So that allowed about an hour and a half session. 

Aside from that routine, I started to get this old NASTY routine back, out of the blue: the lesson count-down routine.  That is to say, when life starts to revolve around how many days you have until your next lesson. 

I had forgotten about this.  Back in the day, it seemed uncontrollable.  Here’s what I experienced:

(Monday) After lesson/day of lesson—I would hope so much to get myself back IN the practice room after a lesson on the same day to reinforce whatever happened in the lesson.  I NEVER actually did this, but would beat myself up every time.  But, I was always TOO tired.  Not because I’m a night owl—but because lessons were/(are again!) exhausting!  It’s physical and emotional fatigue.  Not to be weird about it, but, really think about it—you only have ONE week (well, now I do lessons every two weeks…) to show your work.  And in college, it’s not about showing improvement.  It’s about bringing something back finished.  That’s how I felt, at least.  It was kind of like starting and finishing a huge research paper in only one week.  Well, maybe that's a bad comparison.  Don't most college kids start and finish huge research papers in the same night?  Well, you get the idea.  

Tuesday: Work through new notes, some drilling of technical passages.  Have fun later in the day.

Wednesday: Not in a panic yet.  Major drilling of technical passages.  Maybe start metronome.  Still not worried.

Thursday: Heavy metronome/drilling of technical passages, work out breathing and hash out phrases/dynamics.  Starting to worry.

Friday: Start to really freak out, three days left to perfect assigned pieces.  Start to run through larger sections, begin polishing.

Saturday: Last minute problem/solving—drilling and work on connecting larger sections so it doesn’t sound choppy/like shit.  

Sunday: Polish, polish, polish, run, run, run…some psychological stuff—which need practice, too!  (you gotta convince yourself you can do it to actually pull it off!)  Then usually get nervous, try to get sleep.

Monday/Lesson Day.  Warm up in the morning, spot check everything, rest, rest, rest, freak out, then go for it.  I also find that I need to EAT before lessons/rehearsals—I am the type to get a bit faint from low-blood sugar, and I always feel like playing is a physical thing, and I need some energy to get through it!  That must be why I am so tired after its over!  In fact, I would usually try to keep my evening open after rehearsals/lessons because I KNEW I’d be pretty zonked.  Zonked=tired. 

Okay, in retrospect, that routine was not healthy.  It was obsessive.  And while it was a good recipe to learn things fast, it made my whole life revolve around the lesson.  


Unfortunately, I can’t think of how else to handle this situation.  But when I noticed that “revolving around the lesson” routine returning (I had truly forgotten about it!  How weird—that was really how my life was before!) it was a welcome feeling.  I think the difference is, I am now much more in control of my life and playing.  


I am happy to get work done on clarinet (practicing) and lessons now are much more collaborative.  (I'm stepping up more!) There is just an honesty about it now that is refreshing and…kind of liberating.  I can walk in and say, “I think I’ve regressed.”  And teacher says, “Okay, let’s see what’s going on.”  I never would have admitted that feeling in the past.  It’s good to face it now and get feedback and grow and learn from it.  (ALL of my other teachers would have been open to this, too, but as a young student I was too afraid to “fail,” or admit things weren’t going splendidly for any reason...)

I’ll end with a great quote from the book Zen Guitar by Philip Toshio Sudo:

“To move down the path of Zen Guitar, you must commit your heart to training.  The only way to do this is to love it.  If guitar playing isn’t fun for you, then something is seriously wrong.  All the effort you put in should only increase your joy.”

september!

Talk about a labor of love.  We're required to have a classroom website at my new school, so here it is!  **almost** finished.

get a room!

Part of the difficulty in practicing post-college is you are on your own.  

But that's what practicing is, right?  Hours and hours all by your lonesome, right?  No big deal!  (Once my friend--an international piano student--told us she lost track of time one night at the conservatory.  She got up to use the restroom at like 2 am when the school closed, precisely when the guard went around to shut off the lights and lock up the doors.  She ended up staying the whole night!  Which, by the way, is SOOOOOOO  CREEPY!!  The Boston Conservatory is haunted.  There are stories.  Next post, perhaps.)  

I think I've been thinking about visiting my friends in practice rooms because I saw some of my lovely Boston friends this past weekend at a clarinet wedding in Baltimore.  :)  I would give anything to take a break from practicing and see who else was getting a drink at the same time as me, and then decide to pack up and go to coffee instead of finishing the practice session!  Haha!  Now when I take breaks, it's like...get up, get a drink, bang my head on the wall a few times, practice more, repeat.  

Practice rooms at first were terrifying.  They are NOT sound proof.  All the more motivation to improve. I remember a few rooms that were my favorite spots to practice.  If they were open, the practicing would be better--better acoustics=longer patience/temper with yourself!  Or if it had a skinny mirror.  

I loved one in particular--not for any other reason than it had a beautiful view of the Boston skyline at night.  Loved practicing like that.  

Obviously, practicing since the start of the blog is going a lot better & easier.  But it used to be so nice to hear a couple compliments from friends passing by back in the day.  A compliment goes a hell of a long way when usually you are soooooo used to "constructive criticism" from yourself or teachers.  I don't know why I put that in quotes.  It was constructive.  I swear, no sarcasm.  Really.  God, I hate tone in online-writing.

Another good motivator while in the practice rooms is the ability to spy on your competition.  Hahaha!  Seriously!  Then it occurs to you that no matter how good or bad the people around you are, your own ability is not affected.  But, you keep spying anyway, since you got in the habit.  Shhhh!!

But you know what the best practice break is???  Gossiping.  Oh how I miss those times!  

I am so SO happy to have seen some old friends this past weekend.  It really brought back a lot of fabulous memories and it definitely doesn't seem like 10 years has passed since we all met, terrified of the practice rooms.  And to a couple of the ladies who I missed--NEXT  TIME!!!

Life long friends.  Aren't they the best??

form & analysis

Let's take a look back, shall we??  Remember the day I started this blog?  Because I do--and it wasn't pretty.  I was kind of basket-case-ish.

My plan in its original form was to:

1. Decide to enter a (any!) competition.  

Seriously, if I don't have something on the calendar, it is soooooooo hard to practice like I **should** be practicing!

Reflection: This seems like a weird #1, right?  This whole project is truly "backward planning."

2. Begin a blog to:

    a.)  hold myself accountable--my friends/family are "in on it"

    b.)  writing is therapeutic!  Can't hurt the process of getting El Groove-o back...

    c.)  get encouraging email--THANK  YOU!!!   I have really received some lovely notes to treasure for all time.  

Reflection: I am SOOO glad I started The Good Reeder!  It is so much fun and I absolutely think it has played a KEY part to getting back into shape!

3. Proceed to STAGE 1 of getting back into shape…SLOWLY... refuse any little voices of guilt... play lots of Bach, generally only play things I enjoy. 

Reflection: I will never forget this time.  It was like emerging from a dark cave.  I didn't know what to expect--would I enjoy it again?  Could I still grow and improve?  Honestly, during this time I played only once a week or so.  An old etude or exercise, a little Mozart, and plenty of Bach.  And then at the end I'd check intonation with the old tuner to see where I was at.  Embouchure slowly--and a bit painfully--came back, and we were reaching 440 once again.  Haha!  I would also like to add that playing during this time (back in January) truly was enjoyable.  Once I got the damn thing out, everything was cool.  ;)  

4. Duets/Consistent practicing of new music/duets

Reflection: As you know, Bob & I have tackled a lot in the past months.  I cannot believe we STARTED with "Il Convegno," but I don't regret it.  I love that piece and it turned my re-training into BOOT CAMP. That piece is TOUGH.  And LOOOOOONG.  We've also done both Krommer Concerti.  Bob doesn't know this yet, but I am hoping to do the Bach Double Violin Concerto (transcribed, or something...) next or in the near future.  We also still have Poulenc!  Pou-Pou!  Duet Sunday has been amazing.  You all already know!  The bulk of my clarinet comeback happens on Sundays.  Thank you to Dear Bob!!!  :)

5. Acceptable shape/endurance/intonation--> LESSONS!  

Finally I felt that I had been playing pretty normally again in April/May.  So, I took a big step and asked a local university teacher/orchestra musician for lessons.  For myself.  My goals for lessons?

·      Focus.  Er...re-focus.  

·      Consistent practicing 

·      Dusting off excerpts

·      Preparing **productively** for competition (in November)

·      General oneward & upward!

 Luckily, my new teacher has been so great, understanding, knowledgeable, and challenging.  I've only had two lessons so far, but I'm so content with my decision to seek out a teacher and REALLY get back into this!  I was soooo super nervous for my first lesson.

 Afterall, it was the first lesson for me in THREE years.  And I had a weird fixation on the fact that I was OUT of college, so it wasn't okay for me to still need lessons.  Even though I KNEW that some of my friends still had a teacher.  Even some colleagues from the Chamber Music Society let me know that despite years as a successful performer (performing with orchestras and in recitals/concerts,) they still relied on a "coach" a few times a year.  And New Teacher even let me know that Renee Fleming still has a teacher??  

I have noticed some distinct differences in myself in the student role now.  For one thing, it is quite interesting being a student, but coming from the perspective of also being a teacher with three years of professional experience.  Private teaching is sooooooo traditional and the pedagogy has truly been passed down generation to generation.  That's one thing that makes private lessons very cool.  And that's also why musicians say they have grandteachers and great-grandteachers.  It is a lineage!  At the same time, some teachers are very unique personality-wise, or motivation-wise.  Obviously, at this point I am pretty savvy to the first "feel good" lesson to get you to come back for more.   (Times $50, or whatever it may be...!)  OMG, haircutters do this, too!  Spend tons of time on your hair, giving you the perfect cut, and the next appointment it's like "what the HELL????!"  Hahaha!  Sorry, had to throw that in.  


Anyhoo, New Teacher came highly recommended and 100% lived up to all the talk.  From a teaching perspective, I always wonder what would happen if private lesson teachers set goals and objectives (I kind of did this in my first lesson--totally laid out what I hoped to get out of the subsequent sessions...)  with clear "curriculum mapping" (ahhhh, I am making myself CRINGE actually using this teacher-talk here!)  of etudes/excerpts/chamber music/solos to be worked on in the upcoming year (or 4.)  I think it would really help to focus and motivate students.  

Some teachers would say, "well, obviously in Year One we will work on the Scherzo, Mozart, and Saint-Saens, as well as breathing and correct embouchure/equipment, Year Two is Brahms and chamber music," etc...but seriously--they forget that some students know NOTHING about the sequence of things.  Speaking from experience--my first mock audition in college: We were handed an actual audition list from a major orchestra.  That was the mock audition.  The first one.  I had NEVER in my LIFE heard of a DAPHNES or a goddamn CHLOE.  And it was in two weeks.  And my comment from the teacher was "you obviously have never heard this piece."  Quite right!  And any responsible teacher would NEVER assign that excerpt in years one and two.  (I was in my 2nd year, but 1st in Boston.)  So thank you to those brilliant people for my first wonderful case of tendonitis.  And my first real slap in the face with that comment!  And almost my first nervous breakdown!  I wish I had known going into college what major rep to at least have KNOWLEDGE of.  (You guys, Eastman DOES send a repertoire list broken into solo/excerpts/chamber etc to admitted students prior to freshman year....)


I am just discussing this because in my experience TAKING private lessons--and ballet classes--it is so obvious that teachers were teaching on the fly 100%.  (I mean, they were good at it and that's just HOW ITS DONE, I guess...but I am just thinking some planning WITH students would be GREAT.)  Some teachers have great tools and ways of explaining different skills such as articulation, rhythm, breathing, phrasing, etc, etc, etc, but I can remember a couple of times where a teacher had a physical object--other than the instrument--to teach a physical concept.  And if they don't have other tools to describe the concept, the teacher and student must rely on imagery, which lots of people just don't get.  (Thankfully, I know I am very much a visual/imaginative/intuitive/way up in la-la land learner...) Anyway, I guess the point is, now that I've been to teacher-school, I notice so much in my own private lessons/dance classes that make me think, "I wonder if this teacher has ever considered teaching this skill with a different object/picture/audio or visual demonstration, etc.  As public school teachers, we are expected to teach one objective 50 different ways.  For better or for worse. 


The other big difference for me as a student again is that I feel I am much more assertive.  It's not so much "yes teacher, yes teacher," copy copy copy.  I mean, it still kind of is, but I never continue on if I haven't clarified the previous correction completely.  


So, I am back to my first excerpt of all time: Midsummer Night's Dream.  And Beethoven 6.  It's a good feeling to be dusting these things off & whipping everything back into shape.  I hope to be able to take the next audition that comes to the region.   

Thanks for reading, this was a long one!

A Bit From Bob

Everyone, 

Bob is guest-posting today!  He graduated from St. Olaf in 2003.  (We met there in 2001.)   Enjoy!

Performing. Below is a depiction of how I feel before any solo or small group performance.

Dramatic, right? I am perfectly fine in larger groups, even orchestras where there may only be one or two others playing the clarinet. Put me in a chamber group or doing a solo piece and  my confidence disintegrates into nothingness.

So what is the bridge here that I have missed in my 20 years now of playing the clarinet (20 years?!?!). I can recall a point in time where I was more comfortable than I am now. High School, as dumb as it would sound. I did extremely well at Solo/Ensemble competitions, managing a perfect score my Junior year and a near perfect score in my Senior year. I hate to think those were my glory days. So where the hell did it fall apart?

Maybe it was college. College opened my eyes to the level of skill that was really out there. Starting off from square one...the audition process. First of all the prepared piece had to come from standard repertoire. Standard repertoire?? WTF is that? The scales went beyond a few flats and a few sharps. Minor scales? What??? Sight-reading? No big deal right? Wrong! Try sight-reading a specially composed audition tune by Steve Amundson or Timothy Mahr. I think I could have tossed my clarinet on the floor and stomped up and down on it a few times and produced better results.

Ok, so maybe the place where I started to fall apart was the audition. But I refuse to believe it was just one thing. As it happens I can think of a few more, one quite notable. My first recital performance in college. Sophomore year.

A tragic tale. I performed the 1st movement of J. Stamitz's clarinet concerto. I even wrote my very own cadenza. We started off rough. The introduction was marred a bit when the page-turner turned one too many pages and the pianist got a bit lost. We recovered, no big deal. The coup de grace was when I got to last page, only to find that my written cadenza was covering it. Suffice to say I missed a good 10 bars trying to get my music uncovered so I could read it, by which time, I was terribly flustered. I recall Dr. Polley telling me later that at least I had the experience and I could tuck it away. 

Maybe I did more than just tuck it away. I think I might have completely internalized the experience. So much so that whenever I perform, the only sense I have is that sense of panic, as if my music is being covered up so that I can't see it. That nasty recital experience was almost 11 years ago. That's over half the time I have been playing! Half!!

So where does one start the process of moving on? I think it has to be in becoming reacquainted with my own confidence in what I am doing. Then in practicing performing in front of other people. So maybe I play some for folks that are visiting for other reasons. Then maybe putting together my own recital. But I think the key to sorting out performance anxiety is seeking out the root of it. Find a time when maybe you weren't uncontrollably nervous and then trace things from there. Part of my own clarinet comeback is to reassert that I am not just a decent player but a damn good one!

So that's it for me on nerves. Hopefully, I can follow my own advice. :)