First Post

I tried to start the blog last night. I got it all templated-out, chose the fonts and colors, and then stared at the screen for a looooong time. Even though I have already put a lot of thought into my purposes here, I don't know where to begin. I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN!!!!!!! So tonight, I'll just blab away.

First of all, who is this blog for? I want to say ME, but I have a feeling some people might identify with a lot of the content I want to address. So...if you've ever been totally passionate--I mean OBSESSED with something that DEFINED you and INSPIRED you and DROVE most things in your life...and then you came away from it for a looooong time, for whatever reason...THAT is what I'm talking about. Actually, what I'm really talking about is GETTING IT BACK. Getting your groove back!

I graduated from Boston Conservatory where I had a scholarship to study Clarinet Performance. This changed my life. Maybe not in a healthy way. I had NEVER been so supported<---especially socially! What I mean by that is, ALL my friends at the conservatory were ALSO performers! Whether dance, opera, theater, or music. Like to dream about utopias? That was mine. Beautiful Boston. BEAUTIFUL Boston! AMAZING teachers and masterclasses. I soaked it all in. I went to violin masterclasses, I saw the BSO EVERY weekend. I took ballet classes twice a week. I was so happy. But, at the same time, I knew that those were special years, so I extra tried to soak it all in. If I had an amazing night or experience in school, I'd write it down so I'd never forget it. I'm not sure if that's all healthy, though. Is it the "real world?" Depends on who you ask. For most people it is not.

My time a the conservatory as a clarinetist was OKAY. Just okay. I think I was one of 8 or so clarinetists at the time. Even though I did fine in juries, and could tackle major repertoire and orchestral excerpts, I wasn't rotated enough in the orchestra. It really sucked for me. I didn't know how to express that or if it was appropriate to speak to anyone about it. So I didn't. Except ONCE. After my one and only total meltdown in front of my teacher--even though I wasn't often rotated in orchestra, at one point I was playing in pit orchestras for the musical, opera, and ballet at nearly the same time, leaving hardly anytime for ANYTHING ELSE. I didn't feel prepared for my lesson because of this, and was mortified to let my teacher know. When I arrived at Symphony Hall for my lesson, my teacher called up to me and he said, "Ready?" And I just looked at him, tried not to cry, tried not to cry, and then--said "No." And...cried! Hahha! He looked really scared and said..."want to get a latte??" Anyway, we went to Espresso Royale and had a heart to heart. He said "you know what? I never played in orchestra at NEC, either." Know what's cool about that? At the time he was playing in BSO. Ahhh, I felt SOOOO much better.

When I got to Hartt, I played some very exciting parts, highlights being the E Lucevan solo from Tosca and of course the Zivkovic solo from Tales From the Center of the Earth. My recital was crazy, (in a good way,) and life was good! The only thing different for me at Hartt--playing wise--was that I was not practicing in the same way anymore. That was because I was in the Masters of Music Education/Performance program. I took ALL of the same certification courses undergrads took, plus ALL the Masters classes AND large ensemble rehearsal twice a week, plus chamber music and an hour lesson. I was also teaching TONS of private students on the side. The way I practiced was in very focused sessions. I should've been practicing more, but I literally did not have the time. I still feel like I accomplished a lot during my time at Hartt. My teacher challenged me, so did other students in the studio, which was all very positive. I feel that my playing in Boston was so good for technique, and at Hartt I learned to play with more personality--that I got from my teacher. It was a good blend.

In the spring of 2008, I considered moving to New York. My thinking was 'now or never." One day something shifted in me--call it my soul, my heart, something like that--and I felt it wasn't even a decision to make anymore. I wanted to go home. It had been 7 years, after all--and I still wasn't over crying on the way to the airport! Haha! I also felt there were more teaching opportunities in Minnesota (false) plus I had a Ben here. Hehehe. <----Married him. I was also really annoyed with the 'local orchestra' scene in New England. OMG! So many professional clarinetists regularly perform with local orchestras up an down the stupid East Coast. I felt like I didn't have a chance in hell. Here it is better. Although many of them do not pay.

Sooo...here's the deal. Here's what happened. After going through absolute hell to find a teaching job, (just ask Stephanie,) I finally got something. It was teaching general music (7th/8th gr) and class piano. Not a bad gig. Until they told me to teach kindergarten and 2nd grade P.E. class or get a different job. At the end of September. Now, I realize how funny this is. But for a second, consider where I was coming from. So, yeah: not okay. Also, sidenote: I did not own a sweatshirt. Or any athletic clothes. Hell, I didn't ever do any kind of working out. But, I needed the job, and I realized that since it was with such little kids, it would be more like babysitting then anything else. So every other day I hung out with little baby kids, or taught middle school music. Lucky me! After a bit, I realized I wasn't playing that much clarinet. And then really not a lot of clarinet. And then the days got darker. And the snow came. And the days grew more exhausting. And the clarinet seemed like it weighed 1500 lbs. As in: did not have the energy to put the damn thing together--and for sure not practice. (What for??) It was really depressing and really not okay.

During the first two years of teaching, I was playing however--just not practicing/growing/improving. I played with the Rochester Orchestra, Dakota Symphony, MN Philharmonic, among others. I also performed on a few Chamber Music concert series, and served on the board for the Ch. Music Society in Rochester, including a year as Executive Director. Not too shabby, right? Yes, but I wasn't really PLAYING.

This year HAS to change. I cannot tell you how ashamed I am of not playing after I dedicated years to the instrument, not to mention SO. MUCH. MONEY. And I think a lot (maybe??) of musicians--especially performance majors out there--have experienced the same feelings, etc. And I think its a touchy subject. I think the attitude is, if you see an old performance friend on the street, your first question is not "are you still playing?" It's "if they want to bring it up, they will, if not: DO NOT ASK," unless you are prepared for ensuing nervous breakdown from your friend. So, here's the purpose of MYYYY blog...clarinet comeback time. That's right! It sounds silly, but actually it's a really really really serious issue. Just talking to Sonia tonight...remember, music friends, when people would say, "don't worry, you are separate from your instrument---it's not your identity." That was meant to make us feel better for sucking, etc. Maybe it's true for some people. But why then are we so depressed when we go through something like this?? My instrument kind of is a huge part of my identity. And it's been missing. And it's gonna take a lot to get it back.

Positives are: miraculously, I can still play with a relatively nice tone. I'm not playing terribly out of tune, and my embouchure isn't completely dead. AND, another miracle: muscle memory. Those hours of practice were worth something. It's kind of scary. I can play so much that I haven't played in years--barely thinking--my muscles just remember what to do.

So I am hereby declaring a goal (b/c I need a goal on a calendar!) and that goal is to enter a local concerto competition fall '11. I'm hoping that in the process of preparing for the competition, I will whip myself back into tip top shape, in order to prepare myself for the real goal...taking some damn orchestral auditions. (Just for the experience, right???) It's gonna take a lot to get there. But for now, I am just so happy with the first and second steps: Bob, and the Blog. Bob is my dear friend from St Olaf--an old stand partner. He has moved back to Minneapolis and he came over for an afternoon of duetting yesterday. It was such fun. Which is exactly how I need this to start! Thanks to my duet partner! And also thanks to some dear friends to support my clarinet comeback, and to support my stream-of-conscience blog (sorry). The blog scares me, and I'm self-conscious about it, but I think my comeback needs to be somewhat public so I actually do this. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!