A Bit From Bob

Everyone, 

Bob is guest-posting today!  He graduated from St. Olaf in 2003.  (We met there in 2001.)   Enjoy!

Performing. Below is a depiction of how I feel before any solo or small group performance.

Dramatic, right? I am perfectly fine in larger groups, even orchestras where there may only be one or two others playing the clarinet. Put me in a chamber group or doing a solo piece and  my confidence disintegrates into nothingness.

So what is the bridge here that I have missed in my 20 years now of playing the clarinet (20 years?!?!). I can recall a point in time where I was more comfortable than I am now. High School, as dumb as it would sound. I did extremely well at Solo/Ensemble competitions, managing a perfect score my Junior year and a near perfect score in my Senior year. I hate to think those were my glory days. So where the hell did it fall apart?

Maybe it was college. College opened my eyes to the level of skill that was really out there. Starting off from square one...the audition process. First of all the prepared piece had to come from standard repertoire. Standard repertoire?? WTF is that? The scales went beyond a few flats and a few sharps. Minor scales? What??? Sight-reading? No big deal right? Wrong! Try sight-reading a specially composed audition tune by Steve Amundson or Timothy Mahr. I think I could have tossed my clarinet on the floor and stomped up and down on it a few times and produced better results.

Ok, so maybe the place where I started to fall apart was the audition. But I refuse to believe it was just one thing. As it happens I can think of a few more, one quite notable. My first recital performance in college. Sophomore year.

A tragic tale. I performed the 1st movement of J. Stamitz's clarinet concerto. I even wrote my very own cadenza. We started off rough. The introduction was marred a bit when the page-turner turned one too many pages and the pianist got a bit lost. We recovered, no big deal. The coup de grace was when I got to last page, only to find that my written cadenza was covering it. Suffice to say I missed a good 10 bars trying to get my music uncovered so I could read it, by which time, I was terribly flustered. I recall Dr. Polley telling me later that at least I had the experience and I could tuck it away. 

Maybe I did more than just tuck it away. I think I might have completely internalized the experience. So much so that whenever I perform, the only sense I have is that sense of panic, as if my music is being covered up so that I can't see it. That nasty recital experience was almost 11 years ago. That's over half the time I have been playing! Half!!

So where does one start the process of moving on? I think it has to be in becoming reacquainted with my own confidence in what I am doing. Then in practicing performing in front of other people. So maybe I play some for folks that are visiting for other reasons. Then maybe putting together my own recital. But I think the key to sorting out performance anxiety is seeking out the root of it. Find a time when maybe you weren't uncontrollably nervous and then trace things from there. Part of my own clarinet comeback is to reassert that I am not just a decent player but a damn good one!

So that's it for me on nerves. Hopefully, I can follow my own advice. :)